Match report uwmxdhc v leicester

Match Report 06/10/2019

It had been a rainy 2 weeks, 2 weeks of gruelling training under the iron fist of Matt “where are your calves” Pledge. The wet week culminated on Sunday the 6th, when an even wetter team stepped onto the beloved astroturf. Led by our Prez, the team was anxious, it was going to be a tough match.
Thankfully for Mixed, at 14:15, our lord and saviour Jesus Brenters arrived. “Fear not disciples” Brenters cried, “For you are saved. He who shareth his red shirt with me will be granted eternal glory”.

Without Brenters on the pitch it was a shambles. Weston dived through the defence, slotting the ball in the right corner. However, Satan’s malice was upon us- his agents (the referees from men’s hockey) blew the whistle and disallowed the goal for “a Leicester foot outside the D”.

Fortunately, Brenters was soon to step upon the pitch, turning the synthetic grass to sacred land. A lovely pass from Weston outside the D connected with Holly’s stick, taking the game to 1-0.

This was one of 7 miracles to be performed. The next miracle; El managing to make a pass. From El to Weston, the ball was hammered in at mach 3 from the p-spot. 2-0.

Next, a free hit by the 25. Our divine CM Brenters picked up the ball and began to drive towards the D. The Leicester defence parted before him like Moses before the Red Sea. No defender dared defy the glory of his Indian dribble. Moments later, the ball was slapped from top D, into the far corner. 3-0.
Finally, in the moments before half time, Weston attempted to smite the ball on his reverse. Travelling with divine speed, it reached shoulder height before hitting the far post. Unfortunately, El was unable to make the deflection, the shot being 2 feet above her 3”10 body.

At half time, the false idol Matthew Pledge decreed the 11th commandment; “thou shalt not collect the ball for thine enemies”.
Just as the Bible has the Old and New testament, Sunday the 6th had the 1st and 2nd half. It was time for Mixed to continue in their crusade.

Nicholas; one of Brenters’ disciples, was the next to experience a miracle. With divine intervention, El managed a second pass (!!!). Nicholas, the recipient of the Lord’s might, sent the ball past the keeper’s foot. 4-0.
Bestowed with religious conviction, Nicholas continued in his mission. Aided in his quest by Holly and Sebastian, Nicholas blinded the Leicester side with his inter-play. With the glory of God, the ball was delivered into the side netting. 5-0.

Aaran was last to perform God’s work. 10 yards out, a drag flick with the might of a thousand legions burrowed its way into the side netting. 6-0.

Spirits were high, the people were drunk upon their own victory. Blinded by their successes, they had forgotten the ancient teachings. Amongst the frivolity, only Brenters stood silent and pensive. “In all your arrogance, you have lost your way” he uttered.

It was time for his second coming.

To rapturous applause, Brenters returned to the pitch. It was time. Within seconds, he had placed the ball into the goal. Like water to wine, Brenters transformed the scoreline from 6 to 7.

But Brenters knew a betrayal was soon to come.

After sending a reverse hit into the heavens, he watched as his disciples scorned him. Charlie Weston, a right cock, shouted at Brenters “You dick, pass the fucking ball”.
But Brenters knew a betrayal was soon to come.

Upon failing a pass, Brenters received yet more abuse from Weston who was being even more of a cock. “Pass the ball you wetter” he shouted.

But Brenters knew a betrayal was soon to come.

Finally, Brenters ran into the D only to miss his final shot. Charlie proceeded to decry his teacher yet again with more words of malice.

It was time, the cock had crowed 3 times.

With the match over, Mixed gathered in the goal, only to betray Brenters. With spite in their eyes, the disciples crucified him, labelling him “Dick of the Day”.

And as the sun set, Brenters was lay to rest in the tomb that is Claycroft block 3, content, knowing that through his actions, Mixed had achieved salvation.