Trent match report (13/10/19) Its been an entire week since we witnessed Brendan’s match report. The cocky Cambridge boys comparison of himself to Jesus was truly unexpected; especially given the only miracle he performed this week was turning a perfectly usable table into a broken one. In the bible, Jesus used fish to feed 5000 people, Brenters used a salmon dive to piss off the SU and waste an unholy amount of purple. Either way his efforts have proven a tough act to follow
Trying to continue our good form on the back of our 7-0 win last week and up against a strong Trent side, we knew it wouldn’t be easy. Luckily for mixed they had an incredible captain to carry them through. You’ve heard of captain America, you may have heard of captain jack sparrow but I am here to tell the tale of one Captain Matt Pledge – arguably the greatest to have ever held the title.
The opposition started strong with a few runs through the middle; but nothing was getting through Captain Pledge or his Mr Smee equivalent Billy Arnold. Trent considered taking up a WBS degree because they knew it would be easier to get through than the Warwick back line.
After a while of back and forth play; captain Pledge decided it was time for his team to score and instructed that Ella scored. Obviously she listened to her captain and followed out his commands. And thanks to Pledge (and in some part Ella) it was 1-0. The second goal went to former Captain Charles Weston – the goal was incredible, a lovely little meg on the keeper whose legs were more open than (insert euphemism).
Pledge decided this wasn’t enough and told the team more goals were required to appease their captain. Frightened of facing his wrath our attacking duo slotted 2 more goals past the keeper. This made Captain Pledge very happy and the score stood at 4-0 at half-time. However what did not make Pledge happy was the fact that his team had already had a green and a yellow card after 1 half of play – believe it or not Oli Bradbury actually knew to leave the field after his card this time. Alison was also unhappy because Charles apparently stole a goal from her. But he has assured me that from playing with her for so long he knew she would have found a way to miss and he was just looking out for the club.
The second half was a little different; we still got two cards but only scored twice. The first came from Oli with a lovely strike – Barcelona fans should look away now – following a corner taken quickly. The final goal was arguably the best, so good that the celebration started before the shot had been taken. Yes captain pledge, leading by example. An incredible run, so gruelling that his knee disintegrated before he could take the shot resulting in not only a superb strike but also a move so elegant it could have featured in a Tchaikovsky ballet.
As it was my mum’s birthday yesterday, I thought it nice to get her a card, and as the umpires were so lovely they decided to help me out. Will a green one suffice they asked, ‘it’ll do perfectly’ I said. What they did not say though was that now my team would have to survive a full two minutes without me. If I was not coaching from the sideline, I honestly have no idea how they would have managed it but the team came through.
The game finished 6-0 to Warwick Mixed, another win and another clean sheet and a very happy Captain. The game could have been 7/8-0 but Ella was determined to not score a hattrick for some reason.
Following the successes of my last match report, I’ve decided to keep this one P.G. and keep the slagging off of the opposition to a bare minimum. I arrived to the pitch with the team already present, loved the keenness, undergoing a warmup courtesy of part-time Billy Arnold, Aaran Somal. After a few stretches and a shoelace we were ready to go. Despite a very promising start, the first goal of the game went to the Cambridge rejects, following a fortunate deflection from a short corner. But we didn’t let this bring us down and some great runs down the wing from Luke Brown (Brownie) and some lovely hockey in the midfield allowed us to go into the break at 1-1. I think its fair to say that we controlled the game from this point. Great interlinking play from Calum and Dan, and some legal tackles from Seb helped us to win yet another short corner. Dan with a first time strike made it 2-1 to mixed. But we weren’t finished there. Another short corner and a lovely goal from Calum made the final score 3-1 to mixed.
Thank you everyone who played, especially those of you who haven’t played a hockey match before. Everyone showed some real promise and I think the potential with this squad will allow us to go a long way this season.
It had been a rainy 2 weeks, 2 weeks of gruelling training under the iron fist of Matt “where are your calves” Pledge. The wet week culminated on Sunday the 6th, when an even wetter team stepped onto the beloved astroturf. Led by our Prez, the team was anxious, it was going to be a tough match. Thankfully for Mixed, at 14:15, our lord and saviour Jesus Brenters arrived. “Fear not disciples” Brenters cried, “For you are saved. He who shareth his red shirt with me will be granted eternal glory”.
Without Brenters on the pitch it was a shambles. Weston dived through the defence, slotting the ball in the right corner. However, Satan’s malice was upon us- his agents (the referees from men’s hockey) blew the whistle and disallowed the goal for “a Leicester foot outside the D”.
Fortunately, Brenters was soon to step upon the pitch, turning the synthetic grass to sacred land. A lovely pass from Weston outside the D connected with Holly’s stick, taking the game to 1-0.
This was one of 7 miracles to be performed. The next miracle; El managing to make a pass. From El to Weston, the ball was hammered in at mach 3 from the p-spot. 2-0.
Next, a free hit by the 25. Our divine CM Brenters picked up the ball and began to drive towards the D. The Leicester defence parted before him like Moses before the Red Sea. No defender dared defy the glory of his Indian dribble. Moments later, the ball was slapped from top D, into the far corner. 3-0. Finally, in the moments before half time, Weston attempted to smite the ball on his reverse. Travelling with divine speed, it reached shoulder height before hitting the far post. Unfortunately, El was unable to make the deflection, the shot being 2 feet above her 3”10 body.
At half time, the false idol Matthew Pledge decreed the 11th commandment; “thou shalt not collect the ball for thine enemies”. Just as the Bible has the Old and New testament, Sunday the 6th had the 1st and 2nd half. It was time for Mixed to continue in their crusade.
Nicholas; one of Brenters’ disciples, was the next to experience a miracle. With divine intervention, El managed a second pass (!!!). Nicholas, the recipient of the Lord’s might, sent the ball past the keeper’s foot. 4-0. Bestowed with religious conviction, Nicholas continued in his mission. Aided in his quest by Holly and Sebastian, Nicholas blinded the Leicester side with his inter-play. With the glory of God, the ball was delivered into the side netting. 5-0.
Aaran was last to perform God’s work. 10 yards out, a drag flick with the might of a thousand legions burrowed its way into the side netting. 6-0.
Spirits were high, the people were drunk upon their own victory. Blinded by their successes, they had forgotten the ancient teachings. Amongst the frivolity, only Brenters stood silent and pensive. “In all your arrogance, you have lost your way” he uttered.
It was time for his second coming.
To rapturous applause, Brenters returned to the pitch. It was time. Within seconds, he had placed the ball into the goal. Like water to wine, Brenters transformed the scoreline from 6 to 7.
But Brenters knew a betrayal was soon to come.
After sending a reverse hit into the heavens, he watched as his disciples scorned him. Charlie Weston, a right cock, shouted at Brenters “You dick, pass the fucking ball”. But Brenters knew a betrayal was soon to come.
Upon failing a pass, Brenters received yet more abuse from Weston who was being even more of a cock. “Pass the ball you wetter” he shouted.
But Brenters knew a betrayal was soon to come.
Finally, Brenters ran into the D only to miss his final shot. Charlie proceeded to decry his teacher yet again with more words of malice.
It was time, the cock had crowed 3 times.
With the match over, Mixed gathered in the goal, only to betray Brenters. With spite in their eyes, the disciples crucified him, labelling him “Dick of the Day”.
And as the sun set, Brenters was lay to rest in the tomb that is Claycroft block 3, content, knowing that through his actions, Mixed had achieved salvation.
Having just witnessed the heart-wrenching, penalty shootout defeat of their male counterparts at the hands of Men’s hockey, it was the turn of the Warwick Mixed Ladies to step up and get us back to winning ways. The match began in a way that I cannot honestly remember, you see after the men’s loss I needed ice cream to cheer me up and missed the starting whistle. All was good though as El Capitan Ellen Percival stepped up to the mark and took charge. She organised the team in the set formation, made sure everyone knew where they needed to be and basically did my job; so well, in fact, I’m now worried for the safety of my position, given I already know Alison Isherwood is out for the role. In goal, we had the infallible Eve Clarke pulling off saves that David De Gea couldn’t dream of. At the back, the defensive unit of Lydia, Radhikaand Ellen Milligan. The midfield maestro’s Sarah Noles (saz to her friends) and Ganney were our starting CDMs, with our own little Lionel Messi, Holly Broyhill Fogg at CAM. "Kat" Katarina Hutchin started on the left wing, having already won MVP in a majority of her matches, she was ready to tear this ladies team apart. On the right, we had everyone’s favourite fake Italian, Alison Isherwood. Upfront was the striking duo of El Percival and Ella Ralli. On the bench started Kate who took full advantage to pursue her Pub Coms role but didn’t disappoint on the pitch either, Emma Lees she's part or Warwick marrow, so she's not afraid to see broken bones, the germaniac Sara Mohn, she may be small but tackle her once and she will take you out in a heartbeat (and scream her battle cry whilst doing so) and Mezza the ex-Prezza (Mary Francis), who had been practising her deflections in training and had evolved into a ruthless goal threat. We started the match incredibly, honestly, the best hockey I have ever seen from most of the ladies on the pitch, beautiful interlinked play in the midfield and it was not long at all before the domination was rewarded. It was the captain El Percival who scored the first goal with an Olympic worthy strike. But the mixed ladies weren’t quite finished yet, Katarina Hutchin wanted a piece of the action, but didn’t just take a piece, she took a huge chunk of it scoring a lovely second goal. 2-0 to mixed ladies’ I hear you say, against ladies hockey, is that even legal. Yes. Yes, it is. But do you know what shouldn’t be legal, Ella Ralli stepping up and scoring a third. The ladies team were rattled, for them, half-time couldn’t come soon enough. But we decided to ease off them a bit and stop rubbing it in and the score stood at 3-0 to mixed ladies at half-time. Incredible scenes. The ladies team decided to change things up a little bit in the second half, and by changing things up, I mean cheat. Their new team sheet was a concoction of ladies 3’s, 2’s and 1’s players determined to get revenge on the mixed ladies team who had battered them in the first half. But mixed weren’t going to just lie down, oh no, instead we decided to go down the other end and score a fourth. This time it was Alison, having been cheered on by Sara every time she touched the ball may have helped, but honestly, I think it was just a beautiful string of passes in the midfield and a cool composed finish. The ladies were furious, they decided on a new plan, bring on the girl in the jeans. Funnily enough, this tactic sort of work, and before we knew it, the scored were level. 10 minutes called the umpire, we knew we needed to get our heads in the game, but I had faith. The ball was continuously transferred from one end of the pitch to the other, attack after attack from both teams trying to steal that crucial winning goal. I followed the action by walking up and down the pitch, analysing the game and am honestly annoyed I wasn’t wearing my Fitbit. The ladies team attacked for a while, but in the end, it was Ella Ralli who scored that all important winning goal. The game finished 5-4, we shook hands with the opposition and then loudly sang the “We’re Warwick Mixed Hockey Club” chant in their faces. The jeering wouldn’t stop there though, Sarah Noles found an inventive way to keep it going at Pop, by changing the lyrics to almost every song to 5-4. My personal favourite being the 5 to 4 parody of Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5. Special shout-outs go to Eve Clarke for MVP, and Alison Isherwood for leaving her newfound life of pizza and pasta to batter ladies hockey (I know it was only one goal difference but idc). Thanks also go out to the leavers; Sara Mohn, Charlotte Ganney, Ellen Milligan, Mary Francis and Sarah Noles for putting in a fantastic performance that will surely make their CVs. I would also like to thank everyone for putting in 100% in the training sessions and giving everything in the match. It was by a long way the best performance I have seen from all of you. I am a very proud club captain right now. The game was a pleasure to watch and please don’t let anyone ever forget the day you beat ladies hockey at what is probably the only thing they are good at. Final Score: UWMXDHC Ladies’ 5-4 UWLHC 3’s/2’s/1’s MOTM: Eve Clarke for exceptional performance in goal DOTD: Ella Ralli for getting the only green card of the day.