16/02/19 - Mixed vs Medics (episode III return of the mixed)
I'm writing the match report which tells us 2 things: 1) I must be a dick most days 2) you guys need to get a bit more creative with your picks 😉
The team put in a massive shift today and came out on top 1-0 against a tough Warwick medics side.
The game got off to a cagey start with both teams finding their feet. Probs for the best as Alex didn't actually have the right keeper kit on (you had 1 job 🙄😉). Luckily Alistair was a lamb and ran and got it for him so all was well. I can't remember most of the first half tbh apart from I did my standard talk throughout the whole match and chat a lot of shit. I do remember the goal tho cos I was involved, and as it was the only goal I'm gonna go through it in some detail for yall. So settle back, get a drink, maybe find a blanket to cuddle up under with any significant others you may or may not have, and let me tell you all about it. I'll give you a minute just to get comfy....you ready? Okay let's go. Ella made a beauty of a run, behind their defence, I passed it through some geezers legs (now guys, I don't like to brag but was very happy with this pass - on record he was good tbf - and I'd finally gotten one over on him yeet), Ella controlled it beautifully and headed for a 1 on 1 with their keeps. He ran out and Ella.... ran straight into him. This turned out to be a stroke of pure genius, selfless play cos what she did was take out the keeper, meaning when it bounced back I could slot it into an open goal (despite trying my hardest to miss and going post and in). Ella actually injured herself in this so that's the kind of commitment we need *cough* Andy *cough*. Can't rememeber shit of the rest of the half tho so soz if I missed something good you did. Know we had lots of chances tho and really put some good pressure on and were worthy of our lead. Our defence was solid and they were getting no change out of it.
We went in 1-0 up and were reasonably confident.
The second half, man that was a good half. First half of it we absolutely dominated them (I'm talking bdsm shit) up front and really should have come away with some more goals. Ellen was an absolute beast in midfield tackling, intercepting and playing the ball around beautifully. Katarina had her defender in her back pocket all day long was always in a great position and always beat her man and got the pass away (soz probs should have finished more of them). Oli did good things but atm can't remember any specifics apart from when he took it round 2 (tekkers tbf) for a 2 on 1 but rather than sweaty it to me for an open goal he shanked it wide on his reverse (I still haven't forgiven bitch). Second half of second half we had much more torrid task with medics having a alot of ball and putting a lot of pressure on. Radhika Billy Pledge Baker and Lydia put in some brilliant last ditch tackles with Billy even saving one on the line (didn't realise you had it in you pal 😉). Lydia displayed some new revolutionary defending involving her hands (catching the ball and earning a green card) and her face (trooper playing on still). The match came to an exciting climax with everyone defending for their lives (parked that bus pretty damn well thank you very much). Some super saves and strong tackles led to a superb result for Warwick. We had 1 last chance on the last play of game we got a counter. I got passed the ball about halfway between the 23 and the halfway line and headed to goal. It was at this moment I realised I was cramping up. Managed to run through it and get 1 on 1 with the keeper, put it through his legs to run round and finish...but at this point my legs actually died and I fell over. AND NOONE CAME TO HELP ME STRETCH THE CRAMP OUT WHILST I LAY IMPETENT IN THEIR D. I also missed a chance at another goal cry.
MOTM was Kat for another superb (SUPERB I SAY) performance up and down The wing. Also shout out to el who teamed up brillisntly with her - all our attack came through them 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I got DOTD for once again 🤨 but not sure what for really... It could have been the cramping up again or maybe taking my trackies off in the middle of the pitch just as we were trying to start.. Maybe other things idk.
Next match is varsity and the signs are certainly promising!
Shout out to Alistair for hearing my plea for someone to write this for me cos I was so busy (I did embellish parts, not sure you'll be able to work out where😉). And also f**k the freshers, especially pledge. That is all.

​Written by Nick Metcalfe

10/02/19 UWMXDHC vs Reading
Eve put an early bid in for DOD by waking up 25 minutes after the meeting time, blaming her flat mate who had come into her room and turned off her blaring alarm earlier that morning.
Despite this we turned up on time, in the rain, and spirits were high before push back. Billy, in goal and having not used the Tesco bag in the car journey down, was suffering from a severe hangover. They were early calls for him to be DOD after he kicked a ball into Mary’s head before we had started. (maybe this was why Mary had to ask what a “16” was during halftime 🤷‍♂️).
The game started with a Zulu, Billy being boshed by the opposition keeper and losing the kickoff. He retreated to his goal, took off his helmet and ‘took a breather’ 🤢. The first half was scrappy but Warwick looked to be edging it. Luke’s mazy runs allowed him to get a shot off; firing just past the second floor windows of a house overlooking the pitch on his reverse. Scared for their accommodation the Reading players (one of them being Oli’s twin Tom) wiped Luke out the next time; the referee didn’t feel the need to card anyone! Reading pushed on the break with the half nearing the end and nicked a goal. HT 0-1.
Charlie’s words of wisdom at half time fired up the squad. I (Oli) came on 10 minutes later and was back on the bench two minutes later having been shown a green card. The ref wasn’t a big fan of my chicken style running and took exception to my wings clipping the opposition player. He got more annoyed when I then tried to play on having forgotten that I was meant to leave the pitch. I can’t remember much of what happened next, but Lydia’s Instagram story summed it up with a message of how many goals would we lose by? 3 was the answer.
Mentions for MOM were between Alex, who played well on the wing and Pledge. Pledge had apparently saved up some money by not buying pills this week and used it to good effect to bag the MOM award. Solid work 🎉!
DOD was well contested and I deservedly picked up the honour after a brief but eventful debut performance and being a dick to pledge, who did play very well.
FT 0-3.
P.S shoutout to a solid debut from Kate!
P.S.S shoutout to Ganney for concealing my love bite, I don’t think anyone even noticed 

​Written by Oli Bradbury👌

03/02/19 - UWMXDHC vs Winchester (more like losechester (spoiler alert))
The day dawned rather bloody cold and it looked as tho the match would get called off. Charlie however had other ideas and managed to save the day by making sure warwick sport didn't mug us off by claiming the pitch is frozen in temperatures above 0 (cos that makes perfect sense).
Everyone arrived bang on 2pm just like Charlie asked (I'm not sure if the sarcasm will come through there) but Winchester were nowhere to be seen. They instead prefered to spend 15 minutes in what I presume was the sports centre, but I personally like to think they got lost. We finally kicked off and we started strongly with Charlie and Luke scoring some nice quick fire goals to give us an early 2-0 lead (Charlie tried his best to fuck his instead opting for the *much* simpler reverse shot which tbf did go in - credit where its due ). Ngl tho I wasn't on the pitch at this point so I wasn't realllllyyyy watching much, me and Ganney were busy teaching the fresh 3 lions (shout out to Oscar for not even realising it got sung in circle 🙄). Some play happened and much hockey was had until they got a sneaky goal against the run of play making it 2-1. We then kept applying pressure with some good runs down the line from Holly and ganney (ganney did so many runs down the line and was really an under appreciated star of the game really isn't that right pal) and some top midfield play by Tom with no glasses (luke and Charlie were obvs good but they already got credit for the goal so don't deserve anymore). The first half finished with this score line (2-1 if I have chatted so much shit that you forgot).
After a rousing halftime talk from Charlie we headed out again ready to dick 'em. And guys, I'm very happy to say we did just that. Really they were lucky not to have more put past them. Luke scored again somehow (I forget) and also had a goal disallowed. Charlie did manage to get a lovely 1 on 1 with the keeper (yo welcome) but fucked it. We probs had lots of other chances soz if I missed out someone's wonderful play or something. Winchester had several attacks but defence stayed solid with Emma being an absolute rock in defence (the few times she didn't tackle instead put her legs in the way - that's the commitment we want). We managed to survive a sustained period of pressure where losechester had several shorts and we then broke down the pitch. Following some nice interplay, holly got on the end of the pass and tucked it away nicely in the goal. 4-1. Think that's everything... maybe... idk.
Mom: shared between Holly and Emma lees both had soliddddd games!
Dod: me... again for having too short shorts. Although I feel somewhat hard done by cos really it's akumas fault. I have a small waist but not not shortest legs, so the akuma match kit shorts fit my waist perfectly but leave a little to be desired in the length (that's what she said pah).
P. S. Shout out to Izzy and Lydia for umpiring, did a top job!
P. S. S Also Shout out to losechester for the making their rolling subs actually do a forward roll on and off the pitch--that was actually quite funny.

​Written by Nick Metcalfe